The Trouble with People-Pleasing: A Guide to Assertive Communication and Boundaries

Maybe you are one, or perhaps you know a few, but one undeniable truth is that people pleasers are some of the most highly anxious individuals you'll encounter. They repress their own needs, prioritizing the interests of others to avoid conflict or upsetting anyone. However, this seemingly selfless behaviour comes at a significant cost. Consistently putting others' needs ahead of your own is both disrespectful and harmful to your well-being.

The consequences of people-pleasing are not just emotional but physical as well. Chronic stress, often caused by people-pleasing tendencies, is a well-documented contributor to health issues, including autoimmune diseases. Moreover, people pleasers often find even the simplest decisions challenging because they constantly need to consider everyone else's preferences and feelings. This perpetual balancing act can lead to an overwhelming sense of stress and exhaustion.

If this sounds familiar, it might be time to reassess how you approach relationships and decision-making. Here's a small guide to help you break free from the trap of people-pleasing, embrace assertive communication, and establish healthy boundaries.

1. Recognise the Signs

The first step is to become aware of how people-pleasing affects your life. Some common signs include:

Social exhaustion: Feeling drained after interactions where you've overextended yourself.

Feeling Defeated: Agreeing to something that makes you uncomfortable and regretting it later.

Anxiety over requests: Feeling nervous or guilty about asking for what you need, even when the request is practical or reasonable.

Take a moment to reflect: Is your decision to please someone putting you in an uncomfortable or unhealthy position? Awareness is key to initiating change.

2. Practice Assertiveness

Not everyone will agree with your decisions, and that’s okay. Assertive communication is not about being rude or confrontational; it’s about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully.

Being assertive means setting boundaries with confidence. For example, if you're not drinking coffee right now, don’t feel obligated to accept Aunt Sally’s persistent offers just to make her feel better. Instead, politely but firmly decline, knowing that prioritizing your well-being is more important than momentary discomfort.

3. Establish and Uphold Solid Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining your emotional and physical health. Define what is acceptable and unacceptable for you, and don’t waver in your commitment to those limits. This could mean declining tasks you don’t have time for, saying no to social engagements when you need rest, or voicing your opinion when it matters most.

Backing yourself is equally important. Trust your instincts and give yourself permission to prioritize your own needs without guilt. Remember, you’re not responsible for everyone else’s feelings or reactions.

4. Build a Supportive Circle

Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your personal growth. Having a network of supportive friends, family, or colleagues can make it easier to stay firm in your decisions and feel confident about prioritizing your well-being.

Embrace the Change

Breaking free from people-pleasing habits isn’t easy. It takes time, patience, and practice to unlearn deeply ingrained behaviours. Start small, perhaps by saying no to a minor request or voicing a preference in a low-stakes situation. Over time, these small victories will build your confidence in advocating for yourself.

Ultimately, learning to communicate assertively and set boundaries isn’t just about saying no—it’s about saying yes to yourself. By prioritizing your needs, you create space for healthier relationships, reduced stress, and a stronger sense of self.

You deserve to live a life that aligns with your values and well-being. So, take the first step today: recognise the signs, practice assertiveness, establish boundaries, and surround yourself with people who truly have your back. Your mental and physical health will thank you.

Tania.